I have said before and will say again that eating disorders, or at least mine, are very hypocritical of themselves. Specifically now, I want to bring up self-centeredness. A huge part of most eating disorders (all?) are having zero sense of self-worth. You hate yourself, you’re nothing, you’re worth nothing, etc. But at the same time, you are all you ever think about. And too long of being in that mindset warps everything to the point where you begin to believe that you’re all anyone else thinks about, too.
I went out to eat with my family today, and before I begin the story I want to make it clear that I enjoyed my meal, ate every bit, and kept it all down. That’s not what it’s about.
The hostess put us in a seat furthest away from the salad bar, which is what I always order (they got bitchin croutons) and I started getting really, really irrationally freaked out. After sitting on those feelings in silence for a few minutes and confusing the hell out of the waitress and my family, we moved into a booth much closer. The fear was this: everyone in the restaurant that I passed would scrutinize and judge, 1) how many time I went up to the salad bar, and, 2) how loaded each plate was. I actually 100% convinced myself to the point of making a scene that everyone in the building would pay attention to me.
Every time the same waitress or the hostess that seated us originally walked by, I completely believed they only did so to watch us, to watch me, and to think about how weird and high-maintenance we are. I totally disregarded the idea that maybe they have a job to do? Of course not. I’m so weird and terrible that they have to drop everything and think about how weird and terrible I am.
I said to my boyfriend once, “Is it bad that I really hate myself and think I’m ugly but I want to learn self defense because I know I’m hot enough to get harrassed?” It’s very exhausting.
Please let yourself be proud of small things. Please do that. Please allow yourself to get really excited about playing a video game well or sending an ask you were nervous about or letting a bug outside or peeling the whole orange in one try. Please get so excited about that. Please. That’s so cool I’m so glad you did it.
me and my boyfriend are gonna make music together and we’re gonna be the white stripes (xcept most of their music sucks) and we’re gonna lie about being related cause we look the same